Where I thought I'd be

I never want to feel the pain
of being left out.
I never want to feel the blush of my skin
when I say that I regret things.
The ways things were,
I never thought I'd be where I am
Careless footsteps in reckless places
Dried tears and empty heart
Fears and blessings all together.
It makes for a cold night and endless wishing
to be where I thought I'd be.
Essences of others happy and free,
Never wanting the act of jealousy.
Never wishing the downfall
Downfall of a broken bruised and battered heart.
Give me the chance, O Night
To disappear.
Give me the chance, O Stars,
to glaze upon you just once more.
Give me a chance, my heart,
to put everything inside to right.
The light comes after the dark to chase it away, unearths the heavens.

Round two

So I have decided to try Atkins again and this time I am going to try and start it over my Easter Break which is the sixth to the ninth of April. I need to lose this weight. I am hoping that these first three days arent as bad as last time. I was shaky and unsure. Lets see what happens. I will update as much as I can.

Thoughts of the Night

So my favorite television show is Fringe. Tonights episode had to do with love.
I have mixed feelings about love. I have love from friends and family. I know I'm cared for. However I am going to talk about relationship love. I don't have a boyfriend. I haven't had one in a while yet I have been going out on dates. However I am starting to feel that love is an illusion and cannot be found. Why believe in something so fickle and hard to find? Why should it be so hard to find your match? Do you think I prefer being alone? No. I pray and I try but nothing yet. I start talking to guys and they seem nice but my heart reaches a point where I feel I would be happier being numb and not thinking of love. I shouldn't be numb but its sooooo much easier. What should I do?

A sidenote concerning those poems.

I went through a dark time in my life. I'm not sure why, may it be relationships that ended or grew apart. I expressed it in my writing. I think that its healthy to express your frustrations, pain or etc in a way that causes no harm. Self harm is not something to take lightly. Now that I have my masters degree in counseling, I've found that writing is a great way to release. Grab a pen, paper and your emotions. Let them flow from the lead in your pencil or ink in your pen. :) :) :) :)

Last Poem from my myspace Nov 2006

Last the will of the Southern Planet
lost in the way that everyone sees.
Cause of danger near to thee.
Some hath lost their sense of sight.
Cry tears O Northern Planet
Who hath thrown thyself out of orbit.
Send a beacon, a cry for salvation.
Send a messenger to make sure its recieved.
You see the Northern Planet fears loneliness.
A common belief spells that Loneliness causes chaos.
Be blessed O Planets for what you have.
Shield your eyes from the Western Sky.
Dont gaze upon the Western Sun.
She hath shined the way
Shining alone and burning anyone who comes to orbit.

Yet another poem from my myspace Jan 2007

there's a silhouette of pain in the doorway,
its menancing and warning,
its only there when the light is off and all the world's asleep.
embrace the world of pain, comfort the worn out and weak,
shield the weary soul who comes seeking shelter in a place
thats safe.
For the beauty of your heart, may save the one in need.
You inspire the ones who have trained their hearts not to love,
to shield it always from the weather,
no matter what the course of the storm.
For some feel its better,
to never love than to love and loose.
They live their lives, in a perfect circle.
It works for them or so they portray.
But they are the ones who are empty inside. 

Another poem from my myspace December 2007

Shed them like Clothes

I cant seem to think
Its weird that no matter how fast I fled
It all caught up to me
I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be and
I find that the person I am isnt who I want to be
I want to shed these thoughts like clothes
I want to throw them in a pile and walk away
I need to think things thru instead of walking away
Because walking away never did anything for anyone.
Its numbing really
The way things are
I know I have the power to change but
When it comes to it, I dont.
I dread the thoughts when they come
I walk around paralyzed inside
Never letting myself surface
I couldnt find my heart if I looked.
Ive stashed it away for safe keeping
And put it in harm's way.
I want someone to come and change me.
I want to shed these thoughts like clothes
I want to throw them in a pile and walk away
I need to think things thru instead of walking away
Because walking away never did anything for anyone.
I'm standing next to you
but I'm so far away.
I feel I'm a stranger in my own body
I have the directions to fix everyone's problems
 but my own.
I'm not the person I knew
I'm not the person who I want to be.
I dont know who I want to be
I'm fixing the outside to make it better to look at
But the kindness in my eyes hides the ugliness inside.
But I wanna shed these thoughts
Shed them like clothes
I wanna down liquid life and feel it
rush down my throat
Dance around and never come of the high
I want to experience what I'm supposed to be experiencing
I only think in the form of surviving the low I'm in.
Someone get me out these thoughts.
Help me shed them like clothes and we can survive together.
I"ll be thankful for this