Thoughts of the Night

So my favorite television show is Fringe. Tonights episode had to do with love.
I have mixed feelings about love. I have love from friends and family. I know I'm cared for. However I am going to talk about relationship love. I don't have a boyfriend. I haven't had one in a while yet I have been going out on dates. However I am starting to feel that love is an illusion and cannot be found. Why believe in something so fickle and hard to find? Why should it be so hard to find your match? Do you think I prefer being alone? No. I pray and I try but nothing yet. I start talking to guys and they seem nice but my heart reaches a point where I feel I would be happier being numb and not thinking of love. I shouldn't be numb but its sooooo much easier. What should I do?

A sidenote concerning those poems.

I went through a dark time in my life. I'm not sure why, may it be relationships that ended or grew apart. I expressed it in my writing. I think that its healthy to express your frustrations, pain or etc in a way that causes no harm. Self harm is not something to take lightly. Now that I have my masters degree in counseling, I've found that writing is a great way to release. Grab a pen, paper and your emotions. Let them flow from the lead in your pencil or ink in your pen. :) :) :) :)

Last Poem from my myspace Nov 2006

Last the will of the Southern Planet
lost in the way that everyone sees.
Cause of danger near to thee.
Some hath lost their sense of sight.
Cry tears O Northern Planet
Who hath thrown thyself out of orbit.
Send a beacon, a cry for salvation.
Send a messenger to make sure its recieved.
You see the Northern Planet fears loneliness.
A common belief spells that Loneliness causes chaos.
Be blessed O Planets for what you have.
Shield your eyes from the Western Sky.
Dont gaze upon the Western Sun.
She hath shined the way
Shining alone and burning anyone who comes to orbit.

Yet another poem from my myspace Jan 2007

there's a silhouette of pain in the doorway,
its menancing and warning,
its only there when the light is off and all the world's asleep.
embrace the world of pain, comfort the worn out and weak,
shield the weary soul who comes seeking shelter in a place
thats safe.
For the beauty of your heart, may save the one in need.
You inspire the ones who have trained their hearts not to love,
to shield it always from the weather,
no matter what the course of the storm.
For some feel its better,
to never love than to love and loose.
They live their lives, in a perfect circle.
It works for them or so they portray.
But they are the ones who are empty inside. 

Another poem from my myspace December 2007

Shed them like Clothes

I cant seem to think
Its weird that no matter how fast I fled
It all caught up to me
I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be and
I find that the person I am isnt who I want to be
I want to shed these thoughts like clothes
I want to throw them in a pile and walk away
I need to think things thru instead of walking away
Because walking away never did anything for anyone.
Its numbing really
The way things are
I know I have the power to change but
When it comes to it, I dont.
I dread the thoughts when they come
I walk around paralyzed inside
Never letting myself surface
I couldnt find my heart if I looked.
Ive stashed it away for safe keeping
And put it in harm's way.
I want someone to come and change me.
I want to shed these thoughts like clothes
I want to throw them in a pile and walk away
I need to think things thru instead of walking away
Because walking away never did anything for anyone.
I'm standing next to you
but I'm so far away.
I feel I'm a stranger in my own body
I have the directions to fix everyone's problems
 but my own.
I'm not the person I knew
I'm not the person who I want to be.
I dont know who I want to be
I'm fixing the outside to make it better to look at
But the kindness in my eyes hides the ugliness inside.
But I wanna shed these thoughts
Shed them like clothes
I wanna down liquid life and feel it
rush down my throat
Dance around and never come of the high
I want to experience what I'm supposed to be experiencing
I only think in the form of surviving the low I'm in.
Someone get me out these thoughts.
Help me shed them like clothes and we can survive together.
I"ll be thankful for this

Another poem from my myspace Sept 2007

there is no answer to the questions you are asking me
I have none
It wont be alright because its the end
A single black rose wont make me bleed
A different perspective couldnt change the pain
It wont be the same because I wont be the same
Once you're done with me.
I wont be able to open up
I wont be able to give you what you need
Its over and done with, walk away from me.
This single black rose you given me.
You complained I was cold hearted and mean
Now you want to be back
I cant give you anymore than I can give myself...
And trust me that isnt much
Love is a commodity and it isnt cheap
Im shy and stupid and I dont know whats good for me
I poison myself again and again
You cant think that a single black rose can do it... or can it?
That single black rose you gave me...
Although its fake,
Gave me reason to push aside the pain and the mistrust that I have created
I never thought someone would want to be with me
Til that single black rose.
I will try to open up
Loosen my grip on my heart
I will try to accept the reason you are here
cuz longing for love never got anyone anywhere
longing for air doesnt bring air
Longing for touch doesnt bring touch.
I need to try to surface and make a stand.

A poem from my myspace November 2007

the horizon in front of me.

Its been a while since I have been someone I liked
I lost touch of the one person that will stand by me through it all.
Now as I look back, I've found
This person I am
Isnt in the place that I should be
This person I amdoesnt have the status I should
I am not very happy.
I am mad at myself.
I dont want to be like this.
I dont want to look like this.
I cant find solace.
I cant find happiness.
You cant tell me to be happy.
You cant tell me to cherish what I have because
I dont want to.
I want to be happy.
I want to overcome this.
I feel that one more step over this ridge could hurt me
I am at a standstill.
As these forces come around me,
I feel out of place
Out of control
Out of plays.
I paint a smile on my face such as the horizon.
Its so beautiful that one tends to look the flaws.
I've gotten used to tricking people into letting them think
I'm okay.
I dont want to explain.
There's not enough time.
I've gotten shed this skin
I'm gonna let some of this wilt off.
I'm gonna change and dont think its for the worst
I want to love the person I am. or will be

How to Fall in Love

It is true we live in hectic, trying, scary, stressful times. It is not surprising that it is ok or common to speak of violence and the economy and a host of fearsome things CNN will draw your attention to: things that try your compassion and make you wonder at humanity and lack thereof. People will talk comfortably of sexual issues as they do of violence and tragic events but to mention things like love and romance? They scoff; they snicker. They twitch in discomfort. At best, it is seen as silly fiction. At worst, a lightweight new age soul search and yet..... At any rate, here is my own user's guide to love in the millennium.

To fall in love, you must put away everything you have learned up to now. You must put away pride, wisdom, street smarts, and sophistication. You may keep dignity, patience, instinct and an open spirit. Relax your body, unclench your hands and open your palms. Look up to the stars and let snowflakes fall on your face without intercepting them.

Wait.

First, you must find someone or let them find you. In fact, it is better if they find you and you find them but this is only possible if you both walk backwards and into each other. But you must start unaware and without expectations. If you are waiting and ready, you will not fall in love. You might find romance but you will not fall in love.

The next thing you must do is to think of yourself as a house with all the doors and windows open. The other person will appear as sunshine that sneaks its way in and sends unexpected warmth upon you. You will bask in this delight. But then, it will change. That sunshine will become alternately rain and wind and cool breezes, and topsy-turvy gusts that upset your furniture and send your pictures on the walls all askew. You will want so very much to close the windows and slam the doors and slap your hands together in that brisk motion that says, 'enough of this nonsense'. You might feel fearful and cover up the fear with the most wicked of all tonics: rationalization.

You might be so good at this that the rationalizations of things that are really a blessing and a gift, will seem as the truth. In fact, the opposite is so. The rationalizations are the lies - the truth will seem, well, unseemly. But no matter - if you go this route and forget this counsel, there is little to be done.

You will protest the weather and shut it out and forget that in minutes, days, hours - that same annoying wind of fearsome gusts can turn back into that sunshine that first warmed and beguiled you. But I urge you to become a student of the weather and simply watch it unfold. Welcome the rain and wind, knowing it will not harm you and besides, will soon pass. If you can manage to keep the door open, the rain will dry up and the winds will settle. You can look out again and see those rays which first caught you. You might marvel how it all changes while you have sat still.

If you can sit still.

Then there comes a hard part. You will relax and get used to the changing weather. You will learn to take to the wind and rain and not notice as much. Instead, happily, you will focus on that sun. That sun will become glorious. It will become larger than your own open house. And just when you get to that point and are reveling in this light, a big cloud will come. This cloud might stay and obliterate that sun which you have grown to love so well. It will stay so long until you know this is not a change in the weather. It is indeed, the new landscape and a painful reality of the heart.

At first, you will hope the sun will return but as the days turn into borderless chunks of time, you will know that is unlikely.

Now this is odd - because clearly, this is not simply weather changes but a
permanent state of affairs but still, you will have that same urge to shut the windows and close the door. Now, there is no rain, snow, or wind to make you do that but still - you will want to take a hammer and nails and hammer down shut every crevice that sun or any light might creep through.

You might even close the shutters around your heart. I urge you not to.

If you are telling the truth about wanting to fall in love, this is how it
is done:

Take the glow from your own heart and your own truth. Set it in each window
sill. Make candles of your faith. Take the glitter from that plant called hope and the twinkle from the dreams you cannot give up. Adorn your home with these things. In time, you will not miss that sunshine you grew to love. The light will go from inside, from your own hearth, to the outside. You will not need those flippant rays you first experienced and learned to rely on. That warmth that starts from within and stays.

One day, you might even look out again - because after all, you are still, in your heart of hearts, a student of weather. You might see another home - similarly lit. That might be an indication of another full, strong, open house - the only
possible match for your own abode. It might be a place worth visiting. It might be a place to go to.

They say falling in love is wonderful. It is. But at first it will be scary and it might not always work out. You might only taste romance which, as lovely as it is, is simply love's residue. To fall in love you have to be smart but naive. Hope against hope. Hold your heart high, proud, but unfettered. Celebrate its scars. Cry until you do not know what to do anymore. Sleep. Dream. Wait and be ready. There is always more weather. There is more sun. Put the hammer and nails away. Turn your palms open and upwards.

And that is how you fall in love.

Tonight.

So I am going to make several posts tonight. I logged onto my old myspace and I have some posts in there that I would love to share with you, my reader. I appreciate all the readers and hope you get some inspiration from them or a smile or whatever. :)

bouts of inspiration

So im laying here during naptime and there is this girl on facebook who posts every step of her weight loss journey. While she can sound a little rude(?) she is also super inspiring. There goes my bout of inspiration. I have been doing the special k diet but i really feel that while one scale says one thing, another says something else.where am i really? I want to learn running but i really have trouble catching my breath after. Oops gotta go. More to write but later.